I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
