Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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