He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
