If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
