we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
