Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
