Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
