I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
