I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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