i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
