I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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