"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
