Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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