just survived the first fart of the relationship.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
