Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
