True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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