one two three fourrrrnication!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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