Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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