I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
