I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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