someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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