I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dicks are not precious.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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