just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
