It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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