Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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