u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
