What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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