I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
