how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I still have a little drunk in my system
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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