i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
