Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
