Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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