Can i not drive my cunt home
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
