I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
