Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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