When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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