Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Did we literally take a cab across the street
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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