"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
too bad you live with your parents still
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
