i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
