Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
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It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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