spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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