My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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