She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
