if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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