I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
