The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
