I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
