I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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