Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
