I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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