Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
