haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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