I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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