The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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