the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize