i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
