I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
