Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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