You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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