Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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